Dating is about growth. It builds relationship skills that will serve you for a lifetime.
Key Takeaways
- The secret to dating is prioritizing kindness over sparks, and friendship over instant chemistry.
- Become the version of yourself that you would be excited to date.
- When using dating apps, follow two rules: (1) Don’t binge-use them. (2) Look for reasons to say “yes” rather than “no.”
“Follow your heart…” At some point in your life, you’ve likely received relationship or dating advice like this—usually from a parent, family member, or friend. While such advice is typically well-intentioned, there’s no guarantee it’s well-informed.
Unfortunately, for many people, this is the only relationship advice they ever receive. To help, I reached out to 10 top relationship experts and asked: “What is your best piece of dating advice?”
They had plenty to share.
Dating is a learned skill. We’ve all been fed a steady diet of romantic comedies and fairy tales, which have created a false narrative that love is simply “supposed” to happen to us. This leads to dissonance and frustration when we realize that finding “the one” actually requires effort. If you approach dating with curiosity—viewing it as an opportunity for personal growth—you can develop relationship skills that will not only benefit your love life but also positively impact everyone you interact with… including yourself. By adopting a growth mindset regarding dating skills—such as writing profiles, flirting, conversational techniques, texting, and even sex—you can rewrite any narrative that has kept you from finding your own “happily ever after.” — Damona Hoffman, author of F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story
Focus on the feelings that truly matter. What kind of love have you been chasing? The kind that thrills you, or the kind that helps you feel secure and authentic? The secret to dating is prioritizing comfort over confidence, kindness over sparks, and friendship over instant chemistry. Focusing solely on the excitement of a first kiss—while hoping to figure everything else out later—can lead to relationships that sizzle at the start, only to crash and burn. Instead of asking, “Does this person make me feel excited?” ask, “Do they make me feel seen, heard, and understood?” — Dr. Gary Lewandowski, author of Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship…and How to See Past Them
Trust your intuition. When dating, rely on your gut instincts about someone. Our feelings are messages to ourselves that we need to heed. Your intuition is your internal compass; it will never lead you astray. By trusting and listening to it, you’ll end up with the right person for you. You are the expert on yourself—you don’t need to ask a million other people for their opinions. When you feel a sense of peace in your heart, feel truly alive, and simply can’t get enough of someone, you know you’ve found “your person.” — Jaime Bronstein, licensed relationship therapist and author of MANifesting: A Step-By-Step Guide to Attracting the Love That’s Meant for You*
Dating apps are for making introductions. Get online and start communicating. These are not “dating services”— All they do is make introductions. The only real algorithm is your own brain. So, get to work—and follow two rules:
- Don’t overdo it. After meeting five to nine people, step away from the site and get to know at least one of them better. The brain cannot handle too many options; it hits “cognitive overload,” and you end up choosing no one at all.
- Look for reasons to say “yes” rather than “no.” The human brain evolved to spot the negative as a form of self-protection. Focus on someone’s positive qualities. Give Cupid a chance. — Helen Fisher, PhD, Senior Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute
Consider two potential partners at a time. Overcome the “paradox of choice”—a common issue with dating apps—by keeping only two matches in your message inbox simultaneously. Compare them by looking at the frequency of their messages, the intervals between them, and the emotional content of their texts to gauge their level of enthusiasm. Before moving to a phone call and eventually meeting “the winner” for coffee, remove the other person from your list. If the coffee date doesn’t go well, match with two new prospects—but no more than that. The paradox of choice is a cognitive bias where the human brain struggles to make a decision when presented with too many options. Furthermore, when a choice is made under these circumstances, it is often valued less because the person remains focused on all the other options they missed out on. This is how dating apps keep users addicted to the platform, rather than encouraging them to leave by choosing a partner. Help your brain overcome this bias by limiting yourself to just two options at a time. — Dr. Wendy Walsh, U.S.-based relationship expert and psychology professor at California State University.
Establish a protocol for healthy communication. New relationships are inherently imperfect and prone to assumptions and reactive behavior. A potential partner may easily misinterpret your actions or conduct. To avoid such unnecessary confusion, begin your dating journey with a “communication conversation.” Let your partner know that you value honesty and would like to establish a mutual understanding that it is safe to share your thoughts and feelings with one another. There is no “bad” or “wrong”—only the truthful exchange of essential information. This fundamental freedom fosters comfort and security, while eliminating the unnecessary conflict and resentment that could otherwise derail your relationship. — Susan Winter, renowned author and relationship expert.
Practice 50/50 communication. When you are dating someone, reciprocal communication is key. This means that the conversational flow should be around 50/50. Your date won’t remember what you wore that day or the specific details you shared about your job, but they will remember how you made them feel. If you talk too much on a date and don’t ask enough questions, it signals a lack of interest; the other person won’t feel good about the date—or about you—so ensure there is reciprocity in your conversation. — Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, California State University, Fullerton
Would you go on a date with yourself? Become the version of yourself you’d be excited to date. I always ask my clients, “Would you be excited to go on a date with yourself?” It is crucial that you have done enough work on your own healing so that you can show up with a clean slate and healthy beliefs about relationships. You want to have healed enough to be able to co-create a secure bond with the right partner. — Dr. Morgan Anderson, host of the Let’s Get Vulnerable podcast
Reinterpret the past. Strong emotions regarding past relationships can prevent you from being fully present in a new one. It is important to work through—or unpack—those feelings and neutralize your attachment to the past. My research shows that people who could say, “I don’t feel much for my ex anymore,” were better prepared—mentally and emotionally—to meet someone new, choose new patterns, and discover a new life, compared to those who were still grieving, holding a grudge, or—worse yet—still in love. — Dr. Terri Orbuch (also known as The Love Doctor®), professor, relationship researcher, psychologist, and coach
Consistent character is key. My best piece of advice for dating is to pay attention to whether someone’s character remains consistent over time and across different contexts. It doesn’t matter if they seem like the most wonderful person you’ve ever met on the first date. You need to see that person show up day after day, displaying the same amazing qualities on the 101st date that they had on the first. Consistency over time is how you discover someone’s character. — Dr. Christie Kederian (Ed.D.), licensed marriage and family therapist, national dating and relationship expert, coach, and consultant.
