Throughout the long history of humankind, the stability of couples’ relationships has never been put to such a severe test as it has been in recent decades. “For millennia, marriage was viewed as an institution with essentially economic purposes; it later became a romantic ideal, and today it has taken on the character of a psychological and spiritual journey,” says Jillian Turecki, a relationship coach and author of the bestseller *It All Starts with You* (Roi Edizioni). “Today we expect so much from love. While this reflects a strong need for emotional depth, these expectations also bring a new kind of pressure.”
Excessive Expectations and a Crisis of Attention
In the wake of the “Me Too” movement, couples feel freer to talk about sex, power, trauma, childhood wounds, desire, and infidelity. “The downside is that we’ve shifted the entire weight of our inner world onto our partner,” Turecki continues. “We no longer want just a partner, but also a friend, a lover, a therapist, a co-parent, a refuge, a witness to our evolution… But no one is capable of taking on all these roles.” We must also consider the destructive impact of digital connectivity: “We’re never truly disconnected, never truly present,” says the expert. “There’s always a notification, a message, an unattainable ideal to measure ourselves against. This constant distraction creates what I call an ‘attention crisis.’ The problem is that intimacy, desire, and emotional connection all require sustained presence. When our attention is fragmented, so is our ability to commit.”
According to Turecki, there are three things you can do to ensure your relationship retains the magic of its early days. “First of all, keep having fun together,” she says. “You can’t just live together or co-parent. You have to flirt, laugh, and keep things lighthearted. A playful spirit is one of the first things to disappear in struggling relationships and one of the most invigorating forces in strong unions. Second, you need to handle conflicts calmly: know how to apologize, don’t get defensive, listen without immediately contradicting the other person, and accept that everyone may have their own truth. Finally, you need to stay curious. In long-lasting relationships, partners continue to discover new things about each other. They ask questions not because they don’t know the answer, but because they want to know how that answer evolves over time. And, perhaps most importantly, they speak honestly to each other—but always with kindness.”
Building on these basic principles, Turecki offers a series of practical solutions to help relationships last, ranging from using new apps specifically designed to improve couples’ relationships to adopting habits and lifestyles endorsed by relationship coaches. Here they are below.
#1 Sleep separation
What if separate bedrooms were the key to a long-lasting relationship? “Today, the bed reveals the contradictory expectations of a couple, who aspire to personal well-being without giving up on a deep, intimate connection,” says Jean-Claude Kaufmann, author of *Un lit pour deux*. The benefits of sleep separation are numerous: better sleep quality, less stress, fewer tensions, and—paradoxically—a renewed mutual desire sparked by distance.
#2 “Relationship Care” Apps
Today, new apps facilitate communication between partners who aren’t very talkative: Gottman Card Decks, an online card game for discussing topics
#2 “Relationship Care” Apps
Today, new apps facilitate communication between partners who aren’t very talkative: Gottman Card Decks, an online card game for discussing taboo topics; Honi, which lets you create challenges and questions for your partner, encouraging interaction and making life as a couple more fun; Paired, designed to improve communication and intimacy through games, quizzes, and expert-guided questions; and Lasting, a kind of virtual couples therapy that helps strengthen relationships with research-based advice and tools.
#3 Emotional Check-Ins
Scheduling discussions to take stock of feelings, needs, and frustrations—always without judgment—helps prevent the buildup of repressed emotions that, over time, can cast a shadow over the relationship. Soazig Castelnerac, an expert in emotional well-being and author of *Les 5 clefs de l’amour durable*, recommends checking in with each other daily for at least 20 minutes.
#4 The 5-to-1 Rule
Our brains are more drawn to heated arguments—those involving criticism, sarcasm, or reproaches—than to friendly exchanges. For this reason, according to psychologists John M. Gottman and Robert W. Levenson, staying in sync requires that every negative interaction be counterbalanced by five positive ones.
#5 Love Letters
The younger generations enjoy writing letters. Handwriting allows us to convey a more sincere intention, truly giving of ourselves and our time, unlike impersonal messages sent via phone. “A handwritten letter allows us to nurture our desire, to yearn for one another, and to remain deeply connected,” confirms Élisabeth Horowitz, psychologist and author of *La Courrier-Thérapie*.
#6 Meditation for Two
In a neutral space, sit facing your partner, cross-legged, knee to knee, to share the flow of positive energy. Meditating in this position for 20 minutes a day is the best way to cultivate mindfulness, kindness, and gratitude, and to strengthen your bond. Tune in to the “The Secret of Love” session by Indian physician and author Deepak Chopra, available on YouTube.
#7 The 777 Rule
Extremely popular online, the 777 rule is considered one of the best strategies for breaking out of a rut. Every 7 days, plan a one-on-one outing (dinner, a movie, a workout, etc.). Every 7 weeks, spend the night somewhere other than your home—a place you’ve never been before. Every 7 months, plan a multi-day trip to explore a new destination.
#8 Pebbling
In a sense, this is the antithesis of ghosting (the act of suddenly and without explanation cutting off all communication and contact with a person, disappearing from their life like a ghost—hence the name). Pebbling (from the English word “pebble”) is inspired by a ritual common among penguins, who give each other pebbles to show affection. Among humans, these pebbles take the form of memes or photos sent regularly as a sign of attention. A 2.0 version of a love token invented by teenagers and copied by adults.
#9 Fair Distribution of Chores
After nearly getting a divorce following a text from her husband criticizing her for forgetting to buy blueberries, attorney Eve Rodsky surveyed 500 couples about how they divide household chores—a study that led to her book *Fair Play*, which was later adapted into a card game. In the book, the author proposes an innovative system for redistributing roles fairly, balancing the mental load and avoiding conflicts.
#10 Swinger Therapy
Although controversial, the practice of swinging is gaining a growing number of followers. It allows partners to experience love or intimacy with a stranger in a consensual and temporary setting. The goal? To break the routine, explore needs, limits, and frustrations… and, in doing so, reignite desire.
#11 Marriage Sabbatical
Coined by Cheryl Jarvis in her book *The Marriage Sabbatical: The Journey that Brings You Home*, the idea of taking a break from marriage has exploded in popularity following the COVID-19 lockdown. Cutting off contact for a set period of time allows you to miss your partner and distance yourself from the worries that plague daily life, so you can reunite with renewed enthusiasm.
#12 Being Together Without Living Together
The practice of being together without living together could be considered the extreme version of “sleep divorce”—the previously mentioned choice to sleep in separate rooms. So-called “apart-ners” are partners who decide to live apart to maintain their independence and avoid any risk of the relationship becoming routine.
#13 Emotional Tracking
So-called “emotional tracking” is based on an extremely simple concept: keeping a shared journal with your partner, jotting down your feelings so you can follow the evolution of your relationship and track changes over the months. Grounded in kindness, this “communication journal” can also be filled out online using apps like Waffle or Relato.
#14 Low-Key Dates
So-called “micro-romance” is the counterpart to formal, high-profile dates. Organizing simple, authentic moments together is the best way to reconnect with the true joys of life as a couple and to step away from artificiality: cooking, going for a walk, spending an evening in front of the TV… All of this, of course, without a phone.
#15 Preventive Therapy
The philosophy of taking care of your relationship in the same way you take care of your health is one followed by many couples. What does this mean in practice? Just as we undergo regular medical checkups to monitor our health, we should also visit a couples therapist with our partner on a regular basis to make sure everything is running smoothly. Don’t wait for problems to arise—prevention is key.
