A first date is always a source of doubts, anxiety, and nervous excitement.
Who texts the other person first? Should you send a thank-you message even if there wasn’t a spark? While this is NOT an advice column, etiquette is always a valuable ally in all of life’s situations—and that includes first dates.
So here are five very common questions about first dates… answered by etiquette itself.
Who should make the invitation?
What should you do when someone is interesting but the situation isn’t moving toward a first date?
According to traditional etiquette, it’s up to the man to ask the woman out. Today, however, the situation is much more varied: couples can be of the same gender, and this rule (like all the ones I discuss in this post) will be followed only by those who wish to do so.
Furthermore, women today can make the first move and ask the man out without causing a scandal. True mastery of etiquette lies in the ability to read the context and the situation.
On the other hand, there are women who prefer to wait for the man to make the “first move”: they shouldn’t be considered any less proactive or independent because of this. Let’s simply accept the fact that everyone has their own sensibilities, which must be respected.
And let’s face the fact that finding the right partner also involves finding someone who understands and shares our sensibilities.
Who enters the venue first?
According to traditional etiquette, the man enters the venue first. This rule, which may seem counterintuitive, has its origins in the past, when a gentleman had to ensure the venue was respectable before bringing a lady there.
Today, the person who extended the invitation enters first, precisely to make sure “everything is in order” before ushering in their guest. This order also has a practical reason: the host enters first and can immediately check certain details, such as the table’s location, in case they requested a table with a view or a secluded spot when making the reservation. If you’re greeted by staff who escort you to your table, the order will be: host, guest, host.
Who should pay the bill?
On a first date, as on any other occasion, the host pays the bill.
However, the guest mustn’t forget good manners either…
The guest should order first, avoiding the most expensive dish on the menu. Sometimes—especially for ladies—a courtesy menu is presented that does not list the prices of the dishes. How should you handle this? Just use a little common sense, as always. Lobster, oysters, and truffles will obviously be more expensive than seasonal ratatouille.
When the bill arrives, the host should settle it with the utmost discretion, stepping away from the table if possible; the guest, on the other hand, should avoid any awkwardness by not reaching for their wallet or staging an argument over who should pay. Graciously accepting something that’s offered to you is a sign of good manners (and besides, you’ll return the favor as soon as possible!).
If the evening continues with a drink after dinner, the guest may (but isn’t required to) offer to pay for the cocktails or some other small expense, such as the parking ticket when you go back to pick up your car.
At the end of the evening, the guest should always thank the host for dinner (lunch, ice cream… or whatever setting the first date takes place in), without taking anything for granted.
Who leaves the venue first?
The first person to leave the venue is the one with the higher social standing, which, according to traditional etiquette, would be the lady—or, in any case, the guest.
This is because the person with the higher social standing is entitled to precedence, which is temporarily set aside upon entering the venue.
Who should send a message first?
This is THE question, I know. Both because I had a romantic life before meeting my husband, and because Google returns 14 million results (feel free to check the number) if you type in the phrase “who messages first after a date.”
The answer for those familiar with etiquette is very simple: the person who was invited sends the first message, to say thank you. And since, traditionally, the man is the one who invites and the woman is the guest… Come on, girls! Send a thank-you message the day after the date, without overthinking it.
I’d like to point out that a thank-you message is NOT a message of encouragement. You should send a thank-you even if there wasn’t a spark, and the butterflies in your stomach were just from eating too much dessert. In this case, stick to a polite but brief message like “Thank you so much for the evening,” so you don’t run the risk of raising false hopes.
