Dating sites have become part of everyday life. But for many people, they’ve brought nothing but disappointment. What should you do if online communication isn’t leading anywhere? Recommendations from psychologist Esther Perel.
“I’ve been dating online for a while now, and I’m tired of endlessly exchanging messages and coming up with witty remarks that never lead to a date anyway,” says 29-year-old Anna. “It seems like everyone’s just having fun. How am I supposed to meet someone?”
Recently, over lunch, everyone was sharing stories we never tire of hearing—the magical tale of “How I Met My Partner.” One woman told a story about how she lived on the fifth floor of a building without an elevator and threw a banana peel out the window, which landed right on a man’s head. The man climbed five flights of stairs to return the peel—and never left.
People simply get tired of endless messaging and end the conversation without ever meeting in person.
These stories of miraculous coincidences are gradually disappearing in the digital age, when all interactions are planned in advance. More than 40 million Americans meet online. But not everyone actually gets to meet in person. People simply get tired of endless messaging and end the conversation without ever meeting each other.
How can you find your way out of the crowd in this boundless online “supermarket” of people? How can we rediscover the curiosity and energy to connect in real life?
Open yourself up to what’s right in front of you
It’s been proven that online dating works—millions of people meet and get married through dating sites—but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way to connect.
On the one hand, we build digital fortresses around ourselves and lock ourselves inside them. But on the other hand, these days there are more and more festivals, dance parties, and other events where people gather, have fun, and enjoy interacting with one another. Pay attention to the people you see every day:
- Challenge yourself, overcome your discomfort, and turn toward the person who smiled at you on the subway, in a café, or in the seat next to you on a plane.
- Exchange a few words with someone, using various excuses—the spring slush, a delayed train, or the need to find a home for a puppy. All these situations open up opportunities to interact in real life.
- If the idea of talking to a stranger makes you nervous, come up with a question or a story in advance about something that interests you to start a conversation.
Life always offers new opportunities. Stay open-minded and be ready to be surprised.
Ask yourself: Am I putting off meeting someone?
For some people, online dating has become a form of entertainment. There’s a certain charm in exchanging messages, waiting with bated breath for a phone call, and writing witty letters at two in the morning.
Tessa’s question shows that the inability to meet someone face-to-face can quickly lead to disappointment. But Anna could also ask herself if she’s the one holding things back.
The “hot and cold” stalling tactic is well-documented and easy to pull off online. This can happen for a number of unexplained reasons: perhaps the other person isn’t all that serious about a date, or simply feels uncomfortable meeting in person.
Don’t deny yourself this exciting game: flirt and tease your potential partner with words, but at the same time, try to bring a real-life date closer. Send a message: “I like chatting online, but it’s even better to talk on the phone—here’s my number.” A phone conversation will quickly tell you whether you want to meet this person. If you’re up for a date, set it up at your favorite café and specify a time. You’ve got nothing to lose.
Take breaks
Many people I’ve spoken with initially feel a sense of excitement when dating online, but this quickly gives way to frustration, boredom, or fatigue. Furthermore, many feel a sense of defeat when their expectations aren’t met. Remember that you can take a break whenever you choose.
You can log off. This doesn’t mean you’re giving up on dating—you remain open to the possibility of meeting someone at a concert, on a bus, or while on your way to meet a friend. Don’t be hard on yourself: view a break not as an admission of failure, but simply as a temporary change of pace.
Involve your friends
A recently divorced friend of mine sent an email to all his friends, letting them know he was ready to start dating again. Since we’re his friends, we know what he likes and dislikes, what kind of people he finds attractive, and what his interests and hobbies are. We care about his happiness in his personal life, and we’re all happy to play a part in it.
Reach out to your friends and ask them to introduce you to people they know or to set you up on a date. When I help someone arrange a date, I always make it clear that while I can’t promise “chemistry,” I can guarantee that they won’t be bored or left wondering, “What on earth am I doing here?”
