“The 5 Love Languages” is a widely known book by Gary Chapman. In it, he sets out to compile and describe all the key “rewards” that each partner receives in a relationship.
My goal in this article isn’t to provide a brief summary or recommend reading this book. Rather, it is to share my experience and highlight an important point that might be overlooked while reading. It’s a crucial practical insight that’s well worth paying attention to.
It’s easy to find the book itself, a summary of it, and the “languages of love” themselves: Words, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Based on the titles, you can understand the purpose of each “language.” I’ll accompany them with my interpretation and what I’ve observed in my work with couples:
- Words—positive verbal communication. Words of love, approval, support, and gratitude. Someone for whom words are important will react particularly sensitively and painfully to criticism, lectures, and negative remarks.
- Quality Time—meaningful time spent together. Those who speak this language value spending time together. It’s important not to get this wrong, because what matters is actually being together as a couple. Feeling that your partner is with you. A threat to that connection—such as long separations or “distance in proximity”—will be deeply painful. Examples include looking at a phone during a conversation or going to a party but paying a lot of attention to other people—all examples of “together but not together.” Couples are at risk when one partner values “being together,” while the other values “having you accompany me when I go somewhere”: in the latter case, the request isn’t for time spent together, but for “help.”
- Gifts—specifically meaningful gifts (and money). “You love the one you spend money on.” The challenge with this love language is that it can conflict with “Giving Attention.” Attention isn’t listed as a separate love language; it can be viewed more as an overarching concept encompassing all five languages. The difference with gifts in the context of “Attention” is that any small gift is valued, even “priceless handmade crafts.” But for those who speak the language of “Gifts,” it’s specifically about expensive and meaningful items—the kind of things given only to loved ones and close friends.
- As an example, consider a man who speaks the language of Gifts and gave his wife expensive things. But her language was Attention, and she didn’t appreciate the expensive gifts, feeling hurt that her husband didn’t spend time with her and didn’t give her frequent small gestures of attention. And he falls in love with a mistress who does appreciate expensive gifts. At the same time, he may also experience deep disappointment if it turns out that his mistress doesn’t speak the language of gifts but views her role as a way to make money, and for her, a wealthy lover is not about love but about business.
- Help is the ability to rely on and trust your partner. You ask, and your partner does it! The distinctive feature of this love language is that the person asking for help is not so much asking for help as they are asking for love! And the complexity of this language lies in the fact that, for it to work, both partners must speak it. Otherwise, there’s too great a likelihood of conflict, when a partner—acting with the best of intentions or simply not understanding why they’re being pressed—refuses or acts differently.
- Touch—tactile contact. “Cuddling,” touching, holding hands, having sex while enjoying physical contact with each other—those who speak the language of touch will have sex for a long time, savoring the contact itself. If they’re going somewhere, they’ll sit next to each other. It’s not necessary to look at each other—what’s important is physical contact. In a situation where one person speaks the language of the body and the other speaks the language of Time—for example, if they sit across from each other on the bus instead of next to each other—in the language of Time, this would mean “It’s great that we’re together!” but in the language of touch, it would be perceived as a slight betrayal and a cooling of interest.
All five components are necessary and important for every person—and not just these: in relationships, besides love, we seek support and security, and we fulfill many other needs. But when it comes specifically to love—the desire to love and the need to be loved—every person has their own hierarchy of preferences. And the five love languages can be ranked in the following order of importance:
1st place – Love. What I do when I love someone, and what I expect my loved one to do for me. If I suddenly become too lazy to do it, or sometimes don’t feel like it—I get the feeling that “I’ve probably fallen out of love.” If my loved one doesn’t do this for me, or does it only sometimes or reluctantly—perhaps he or she doesn’t love me, is pretending, or is just putting up with me, and stays around because it’s convenient or beneficial for him or her, or simply hasn’t mustered the courage to leave yet.
2nd place – A close friendship with a hint of love
This is how I behave with someone who is very important to me and whom I find attractive. And perhaps I even love this person, but at this stage, I’m keeping some distance.
3rd place – Friendship and warm, friendly relations
4th and 5th places – The things that make life enjoyable.
An Important Practical Conclusion
To find out your “love language,” you can take an online test; I’ll include a link to one of the tests available on the Internet at the end of this article. Actually, I’ll include two links—one for a test about yourself and one for a test about your partner. You’ll determine your own test by choosing, each time, the situation that resonates most with you from the two presented. The results at the end will reveal what you prefer. And by using the order of importance outlined above, you’ll learn what that means for you.
The test to determine your partner’s love language is based on which complaint you hear most often from him or her: after all, if a person isn’t getting something important in the relationship, that’s exactly the need they’ll express most frequently!
The Main Idea
A primary love language is what a lover does for their beloved—and what they expect in return from their beloved! If their love languages match, the couple will be something of a model relationship! Although, of course, “little issues will still crop up,” but that’s another story.
If a couple matches on their second love language but their primary love language is different. For example, his hierarchy is: touch, acts of service, quality time, 4, 5. And her languages are: gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, 4, 5. Then, overall, they’ll get along pretty well, but there will be a persistent feeling that something is seriously missing. Like the “cherry on top,” or “I don’t know if he loves me?!”
Well, if the discrepancy is more pronounced—and the top two positions don’t match—the couple will clash while trying to build a relationship in which each feels loved. Or they’ll drift apart with the feeling that he (or she) “wasn’t loved here.”
