Half of all marriages end in divorce—that’s the statistic. To be precise, 54%. This is because these marriages are not entered into for the sake of building a family.
Let’s start with the most important point: a well-adjusted woman does not, in fact, aspire to “get married.” What she wants is love, respect, and a close companion with whom she feels secure and comfortable. “Getting married” as an end in itself is never her true goal.
The primary reason for the staggering number of divorces in Russia is the tradition of marrying young. While the average age for a first marriage in Europe is around 30, in Russia, the statistics tell a different story: women typically enter their first marriage between the ages of 20 and 22, and men between 22 and 24. It is a tradition—our grandmothers and mothers also married at a very young age—and these “values” and age expectations are passed down from generation to generation. While there have been some slight shifts in recent years, this is not because marrying young is no longer considered essential, but rather because there is less social stigma attached to those who choose not to. Men have managed to largely, if not entirely, shed the pressure of early marriage; no one judges a man for entering his first marriage at around age 30—the European average. For women, the situation is more complex.
How did early marriage become a tradition in our country? The answer lies in the demographic crisis that coincided with the youth of our grandmothers—the post-war years. There was a shortage of men, and even fewer who were in good health; consequently, the “good” ones were snapped up quickly, creating a sense of urgency—you had to marry before age 20, or else risk ending up alone. Grandmothers—whether happily married, unhappily married, or living alone—all conveyed the same message to their daughters (our mothers): “Hurry up, there aren’t enough men to go around!” This pattern—this behavioral model—is passed down through one, even two, generations. I would call it a “genetic” fear of being alone.
It is also, undoubtedly, a form of infantilism. The desire to get married as quickly as possible is not a sign of a mature, well-formed, and self-actualized individual; quite the opposite—it is a sign of an insecure, immature young woman burdened by complexes. She has no desire for an independent life, no ambition to achieve anything, take on responsibility, or make her own choices. She simply wants to move from the protection of her parents to the protection of a husband. In short, she doesn’t want to be an adult; she wants to be someone who is taken care of.
Another factor is the constant tendency to compare oneself to others. “Masha is married, Svetka is married, Tanya is getting married soon—why am I any worse? I want a dress, a traditional ‘ransom’ ceremony in the apartment building stairwell, and a doll on the hood of the car, too!” In this context, marriage is not about building a family; it is, first and foremost, a ritual that must be performed to secure one’s social status. The “cult of the doll on the hood” remains vast and unshakable: weddings are attended by relatives the couple has never met—people whose names they don’t even know. People take out loans to pay for these weddings. Once the celebration is over, the newlyweds count the cash gifts, trying to figure out if the wedding “paid for itself.” None of this has anything to do with family, partnership, or a deliberate, well-considered decision to be together.
A third point is the financial inadequacy of the young people themselves. In Europe, it is virtually inconceivable for a couple deciding to start a family to count on financial support from their parents. It is a fairly common practice here for two students to get married while being supported by their parents. Providing financial support without interfering in the young couple’s life is extremely difficult—nearly impossible. As a result, the young couple finds themselves constantly under scrutiny; parents offer advice and meddle, and if everyone happens to live under the same roof, conflicts become inevitable. A marriage in which the young couple lacks financial independence is doomed.
I am not suggesting that sincere feelings or true love are impossible at the age of 20. They certainly are possible! There is nothing to stop young people from loving one another, trusting each other, and spending time together—all while completing their education, building a career, and achieving financial stability. But why get married?
The likelihood of divorce increases several-fold if a newlywed young couple rushes to have a child. The young mother may not want to stay home, so a grandmother—usually the wife’s mother—is brought in to help. She, believing she knows everything there is to know about raising children, often disregards the young parents, assuming they have nowhere else to turn. Frequently, a coalition forms—grandmother, mother, and infant on one side, and the father on the other. He begins to feel superfluous, an outcast—perhaps even a “freeloader”—and eventually, he simply leaves. If the wife does choose to support her husband and the couple moves out on their own, the man may find himself working grueling, unskilled labor—like unloading freight cars—just to get by. Money is scarce, exhaustion sets in… Few relationships can withstand the test of poverty. And even if they do survive, the child will inevitably be presented with a “bill” later on: “Look at all we sacrificed for you…” And just like that, another neurotic is created.
Finally, there is the issue of the partners’ psychological immaturity. They lack sufficient life experience, have yet to develop the ability to reach compromises, and their communication skills remain unrefined. Psychiatrists generally consider that a person reaches full maturity by the age of 30, and divorce statistics bear this out: marriages entered into at that age tend to be far more durable.
There is a common belief that it is easier for young people to adapt to each other’s quirks and habits. This is a deeply mistaken notion. Should we then have children get married while still in kindergarten, so they can adapt to one another right from the start? It’s not about adaptability; it’s about the experience of building relationships with the opposite sex. Without this experience, the risk of ending up in a toxic, neurotic relationship—and failing to even recognize it—is far too high; after all, there’s nothing to compare it to!
Before entering into marriage, a young woman should live on her own, live with a partner, experience different partners, learn how to navigate arguments and their resolution, and—most importantly—overcome any fear of being alone. If she does this, she is much more likely to build a mature, healthy, and lasting relationship in which both she and her partner can be happy.
